I’m gonna release it myself. :)
I’ve always had the habit of saving what I believe to be my best work from the past. When I was in college, I was an opinions writer for the school newspaper. This gig ended abruptly when they decided that I was the kind of token Black person that wouldn’t be micromanaged. Anyways: they kicked me out (and, in the signature passive-aggressive-no-hard-feelings style of People of Non-Color, invited me to join again in the future).
What were their qualms again?
“tHiS iSn’T aN oPiNiOnS aRtIcLe.” I saw them write that to me a lot. They would ask me to come in for instruction just because my writing style didn’t conform to what they were expecting. But how could it? I was different, so my writing was different. DUH.
The premise of this edition of the newspaper was to write a #fakenews article for April Fools Day. The entire paper was to be filled with made-up articles. I wrote the fabulous (and fabricated) opinion piece below…I was very proud of it. I wanted to see it in the school newspaper. But as I said, they kicked me out (after getting it). Prior to kicking me out, they wanted me to come in and “discuss it”. I refused. I stand by that choice because it was the lesser of two evils: Had I gone in, I would have argued. Everyone would have been upset. As I left their confirmation bias would have been deafening: ‘Yep, there goes another angry Black woman.’ Truth be told, it wasn’t being perceived this way that kept me from going to meet them. I honestly don’t give a fuck. But…I know these people…they homogenize us. They are the ones who would be slow to give the next Black person a chance if I was as combative as I can get. I didn’t want to ruin anyone else’s chances. It is despicable that minorities must often serve as ambassadors to whites in this way. But it is reality. One that I have lived repeatedly.
They censored me that day. All the racist, insensitive, or irrelevant bullshit they published in that paper??? And they to censored me for a little satire???
All I knew then was that as a free spirit, that restriction really irked me. (I mean, the reason that I chose to be an opinions writer was because I wanted the flexibility to speak my mind.
But no matter.
Better-ish days have come.
You have come.
And thanks to this blog, the internet will finally see this article anyway. (And I can finally let go of this old grudge…)
Just in case any of your friends are slow, let me be explicit. My opinions (which tends to align with the facts in general) are that:
1) LOTS OF THESE WHITE MUSICIANS, ACTORS, OR SOCIAL MEDIA STARS ARE BRAZEN CULTURAL APPROPRIATORS. PERFECT EXAMPLES OF THIS PHENOMENON INCLUDE JUSTIN BEIBER AND MILEY CYRUS. CULTURAL APPROPRIATION IS WRONG AND RACIST.
2) THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM ISN’T IMPARTIAL. SOME PEOPLE GET OFF SCOTT-FREE WHILE OTHERS (OVER)PAY THE PRICE. THIS IS A PROBLEM.
3) THE BLACK RAP CULTURE IS NO LONGER ONE OF UPLIFTMENT AS IT WAS IN ITS INCEPTION. (FOR MANY REASONS) LOTS OF RAPPERS ARE PART OF THE RUN-AWAY RECIDIVISM ISSUE THAT DISPROPORTIONATELY AFFECTS BLACK PEOPLE. BLACK YOUTH LOOK UP TO THEM, BUT THESE FOPS ARE NOT GOOD ROLE MODELS. THEY PARTICIPATE IN THE EXACERBATION OF RACIST STEREOTYPES AND CO-SIGN THIS CULTURAL APPROPRIATION BY CELEBRATING AND SUPPORTING THE WHITE PEOPLE THAT IMITATE (MOCK) THEM (EG. BHAD BARBIE, IGGY AZALEA, THE KKKARDASHIAN-JENNER FAMILY, KATY PERRY, ETC.). TO THESE MINORITY PETS IN RAP INDUSTRY (AND BLACK CELEBRITIES IN OTHER INDUSTRIES), CULTURAL APPROPRIATION IS ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND ACCEPTANCE. THIS IS BAD.
You got that?
This article is entitled:
YOU KNOW WHO WENT TO JAIL? JUSTIN BEIBER.
Justin Beiber, the Canadian pop star, is moving from jail in Georgia, back to Canada. “We’ve had enough,” said the chief of Atlanta police, after recounting the charges against Beiber that have led to the final judgment of Beiber’s deportation. The 20-year-old pop star was caught with rappers Lil’ Wayne, Flo-Rida, and T.I, smuggling guns, cocaine and marijuana from the Cuban drug lord Veracio de Santo-Ruiz. Beiber’s girlfriend, Miley Cyrus aka “The Stripping Streaker”, was found shortly afterwards on a wrecking ball in a lot under construction singing: “We won’t stoooop…”. Upon her arrest and subsequent questioning, she was discovered to be an accomplice, and was detained until her insignificant father Billy Ray Cyrus came to pay the 3.2 million dollar bail. Beiber being a foreigner, with only a work visa to his name, was detained. The rappers were thrown in prison immediately without another word. It was said that T.I. was greeted in the penitentiary system with applause as he claimed his favorite bunk.
Spike Lee says: “It’s about time they got rid of Thomas Dunwitty [referring to Beiber].” And he’s not alone in this sentiment. Fox 5 interviewed some Americans on the other side of the spectrum. Jimmy Davis, a 54-year-old native of Kentucky, is the last living descendant of the Guiness Book of World Record’s longest successive card-carrying Klan family in the United States. “’Bout time they got that damned n*gger-lover outta here. Last thing we need is more n*ggers real or fake. That Blackface was funny though,” he said laughing, referring to an explosive ploy of Beiber’s at his Valentine’s Day concert in which he came out covered in brown ink. When asked by Barbra Walters in an exclusive interview: “Why’d you do it?” Beiber said: “I had Lil’ Wayne, the Game, Luda, Nicki Minaj, and Drake out there. I didn’t wanna be the only one who was different.” Sensibly, Walters interjected: “But if I’m not mistaken, Drake’s about the same color as you and me.” It was said that Beiber frowned and paused momentarily before snapping at Walters: “That’s not the point!”
Sarah Palin, a Tea Party member, former vice-presidential candidate, and soccer mom, weighed in: “Oh, he’s…just crazy! Ha! What would make someone put down a guitar and pick up a bandana?”
When asked by a member of the Anchor (yours truly) in New York what he thought about the stream of negative attention he had been getting lately, Beiber responded in his best Ebonics (it was clear that this buffoon practiced daily in the mirror): “Haters gon’ hate, y’know. I just gotta keep doin’ me. I’m not worried ‘bout all-lat other sh*t.” He then proceeded to hit on me for Brownie-points with Usher. If I’d let him bring me to his third birthday bash, one can guess what he would have said:
Beiber: “Yo, Ush.”
And Usher, good-natured as he is, would answer: “What up J.B.?”
Beiber would respond: “Call me Kells. Anyway, look! I found a Black girl. Everyone knows you’re not really Black unless you can get a Black woman.”
Usher would smile but think: “What the f*ck is wrong with him?”
Shawn McMichaels, the prosecutor in Beiber’s case, spoke triumphantly after coming out: “He’s worn out his welcome. The American people—” (trademark Obama pause) “—are outraged by Beiber’s behavior.” He smirked. “It’s time for Be-Be to go bye-bye. No more questions.” He then pushed past the media.
Maybe he should have watched what he said, because later that night his house was visited by a bat-carrying local fan group called “the Beibettes”. The culprits were later found and arrested. Kacey Smith (16), Melissa Shaw (16) Samantha Herron (17), and Julie Sutters (15), were each charged with breaking & entering and assault. They had this to say when asked why they did it:
Stutters: “No way we’re gonna let some anal lawyer insult Justin! Justin was the only way we could have a real thug that wasn’t Black!”
“What about Eminem?” asked a CBS reporter.
“What about M&M?! What the hell?! Are you serious—?!” Shrieked Smith.
Herron broke in: “—I mean, like, hello, he wears glasses in his spare time! Are you freaking kidding me right now?!”
And with that, they were shoved off into a van to serve their two-year sentences in Juvies.
Beiber is scheduled to be officially deported at 9:15 AM tomorrow.
As for me, I’m glad to see him go.
What an insufferable waste of time he was.
Yeah, I said it.
Bring it on, Beibettes.